• Quote of the Week

    "Dreams don't have deadlines in real life." - LL Cool J on Racheal Ray
  • "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it." -Shug Avery (The Color Purple)

Letting Go: Day 1

“Baaaggg laaady, you gon hurt you back draggin’ all them bags like that…”

Yeah, well, I didn’t take heed and I’m overdue for a back rub.

Even as a little girl, I held onto everything. It started as a physical thing: books, gifts, my absolute favorite toy, doll, crayon, shirt, shoes, purse…, even foods (that eventually rotted in the fridge, on top the fridge, under the bed…); then it became emotional: loves, hurts, grudges, even hates.

I became like a volcano, collecting feul and ammunition until, periodically, the pressue within my physical limits overcame my own boundaries and sweet eruption took over me. Well, sweet for me, but those unfortunate enough to be caught in my path were devastated. Every thought, every emotion, every action left undone spewed and there is never any turning back, like an all consuming orgasms the wave is ridden to completion. And when it’s over, I am euphoric, while those around me are dazed, confused and left trying to pick up the pieces of whatever I’ve ruined.

At the beginning of this month I decided to commit to at least one blog per day, partly as self-therapy and partly to get better at writing. Today is just now the official day one because I had some clearing out to do, I had to wade through come mental clutter in order to get down to exactly what it is I wanted to say and what I want to convey with this blog, especially after being in essentially same situation I was in this time last year.

Also, with this I hope as I experience life– the good, the bad and the overly emotional– I will come here and let go of some of those things instead of carrying it all around. Maybe this time next year, instead of shaking my head in regret and confusion, I will be able to hold my head high and my back straight.

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In Due Time 365

About a month ago I dreamed in red. Red means rage.

Then, this past weekend the dream came to past. The images were the same. The colors from my dream painted my real life and before I could stop myself, stop my anger, I became my dream self, and I have to say I am very disappointed. I am utterly ashamed.

Emotionally, I have been in a rut lately and I cannot pinpoint what is exactly wrong with me. This past weekend was a very bad one for me. The ex-boyfriend is now the current and history is repeating itself. We rushed back into things and before we could really discuss what we both wanted and needed from a relationship, we were catapulted back into the same situation we were a year ago. It’s like deja vu, and my heart is screaming “What has happened.”

But, my mind is screaming, “RUUUUUNNNNN!”

Basically. what happened was I was looking for some one on one time to reconnect, and instead we ended up at a small family (his family) gathering (pool party) that I didn’t really want to attend (the reason itself would require a whole ‘nother post). Instead of being a lady and chalking it up, I was visibly upset the entire time I was there. Ridiculous, right? I know…I’m drenched in shame and guilt. This led to a very bad and emtional weekend because once he apologized for taking me, I was so upset with myself that I told him we should just give up, which led to a whole ‘nother fight-resolution cycle that I couldn’t get over because I kept focusing on how this argument would lead to another argument which would lead to him losing all the love and respect and had for me and so forth and so on down this snowballing hill into relationship hell.

Yes, I did get all of that from one disagreement. See how my mind works?

Why can’t I just go with the flow and let the relationship flow naturally? Why must I take things – life- so seriously?

Much of it, I know have to do with where the bf and I are in life right now and I let those feelings of uncertainty and regret spill over into other parts of our/ my life. In other words, my emotions and feelings were misguided and overly expressed.

That event led me to the blogosphere where I learned a lesson or two from the blog world and I realized that my true problem is I lack patience, and I lack the true grace I pretend to have. Then I came to my own blog and read the title, really read the title: In Due Time. The solution was right there, IN MY OWN WORDS, but not in my own actions. It seems that sometimes I get so caught up in and disappointed in what I see NOW- in myself and others- that I don’t pay attention to the lesson that I should be learning from my mistakes, my misguided and overly expressed anger. Then before I know it, I’m doing it again. I’m blowing up over some minute detail, freaking out over a mistake it was OK to make or becoming overly anxious over a decision I made that I perceive to be preventing me from doing something I think I need to do RIGHT THIS SECOND AND NO IT CANNOT WAIT. My being like this takes the enjoyment from life sometime. In due time all things that God has planned for me will come to past and will be enjoyed by me and those I love a whole lot better than if I try to go out and make those things happen all on my own, all right now.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

For the next 365 days I will post at least one blog a day to document my journey to being a better person, my journey to reaching the goals I have set for myself. This will be a journey of self-discovery, of finding, keeping and/or losing love, of practicing patience and grace.

Sabrina

Just Thinking: Can’t Sleep

In my first post of the year, which I realize is only one of two posts I have for this year, I mentioned something about “hastily made decision”– well I think I may have back slid a little bit (or maybe alot depending on the perspective).

It is just so hard for me to sit down and put everything into neat lists of pros and cons like some people may be able to. And sometimes I blame it all on the situation, knowing most times its just me because I lack patient and insight when it comes to certain things.

So once again I find myself in a situation where I’m feeling just a tab bit anxious, hence the late night post.

But the one thing that I can say may come from my many misadventures is that I’m always led back to writing as a result. It seems to be that the ink in my veins flow more steadily during trail periods, during times when I do not know if I am hurting or happy, when it’s hard for me to see what’s right in front of me. OR maybe it’s just a bad case of PMS, and I’m just having a hard time grabbing ahold of my emotions this month.

Fleeting Moments

I have learned that life is to be lived by the moment, by the present emotion experienced. Accomplishments may or may not be achieved and love sought may or may not commit, but the laughter, the sheer happiness and even the searing pain are what memories are made of. Are what makes or breaks us, build our strength and test our faith.

If I have learned nothing else in life I have learned this: “It’s not the destination; it’s the journey.”

It may be cliche, and it may sound so simple, but for people like me who are alwyas racing to the finish line, always trying to attain bigger and better achievements with little patience for all that lie in between, it was a concept I could not quite grasp.

I have been on a mission, a mission which began to take shape in my young mind more than ten years ago (present age: 24), and since then my vision have been tunneled with this primary goal hovering at the end.

But as they say, “Things don’t always go as planned.”

Dreams were deferred. Then revised. Then shelved indefinitely.

Depression set in.

Blame.

Self-doubt.

Then a light was shone from somewhere and I began to realize the life I was missing in exchange for a life I wanted but could not attain. It just wasn’t what God wanted for me. Better things awaited if only I was patient with the journey to get there. Faith began to replace doubt and I realized that I am not in control. The best I could do was enjoy the ride. The stress that accompanied the need to achieve one singular goal after another was no longer mine.

With that stress shedded and the pressure relieved, I have found perfect love and true happiness, and in that I have learned:

Our lives are but a grain of sand in time.

My Year, My Life…This 2011

This time 2010 I had sworn off men, made a tight new “girl” alliance and dove head first into academia with a new found vigor and confidence. A month later I was an emotional, financial and social wreck. This year my hope is to be different.

I have decided not to stress my mind with a list of senseless resolutions. My hope for this new year is to be a better person. A happier person. A person more content with the gifts God has given me, instead of being in constant search for the ones he didn’t.

Usually my thoughts are racing faster than I can catch them and my body going in every direction nature will allow it to go at once. But God has given me an outlet and a new focus. He has given me all those things for which I used to dream about, wonder about for split seconds between hastily made decisions. Through this experience I know He loves me, a sinner, a borderline disbeliever. I now have true love, peace of mind and unbridled joy. So for this new year I pray and hope that I hold onto this peace and with it become a much better person.

A beautifully, admirable woman.

Peace and Thanksgiving
Bree

Blog: Revisited

It has been quite a while since I have written on my site. As always, life got busy and writing became a trivial task that had to wait. I hate it when that happens but with shifting priorities and transforming dreams, writing is no longer the first love of my life and in many instances is the last on my list of priorities. But with yet another nudge from God, I have revisited the notion of FINALLY taking my writing seriously. I never intended for it to become a hobby but to be my ultimate career, even if it became a side career with nursing being the primary one. But anyways, I won’t bog my blog with all the intricate details that got me to this day, but I would like to thank the few, but faithful readers of my blog and hope that you would join me on this new journey of self-discovery, dream seeking, and most of all, LIVING.

In Due Time… Update

Some time ago, I posted a page titled In Due Time…and it listed all the personal and academic goals I had set to accomplish over the course of a few months. So, I decided to post an update on how I’m doing with that.

Begin nursing clinicals and be successful
I’ve begun, but I can’t really measure the extent of my success right now. My instructor told me I suffer from a lack of confidence because, theoretically, I’m smart, but when I’m in the room with a patient I was look to to gauge her reaction. Sooo, this goal is up for modification, meaning I’m somewhat successful; I just need to be more confident in my actions, especially since I know what I’m doing. But, what can I say my nerves got the best of me.

Make all As in one semester
OK…so at the point I’m at now; it is impossible for me to meet this goal. Right now I’m doing average, which is my fault. I let some personal problems hold me up for a little longer than what I should have.

Become more consistent with my blogging
I’m doing a little better at this, and actually I have a new blog that I started with my old college roommate. It speaks for itself so check it out sometime.

Be more patient with my nieces
Ever since I lost my car, I haven’t even been able to spend much time with them. But I did get to see them this past weekened at my little cousin’s skate party…didn’t realize how much I had missed them.

Become a Big Sister to a child in my community
Again, since I lost my car this goal had to be put on hold.

Be more understanding and tolerant with my friends
Before my car accident I had been praying for clarity. After my car accident I realized I was trying to be more understading and tolerant of the wrong set of friends and my skepticism of them was right on target.

Get my credit back on track (retail addiction and student loans ain’t no joke)
Ahhh…once again, due to my car accident, this was put on hold because all of my cash is tied up into trying to get a new car.

Take a long walk with a clear mind
I take long walks, usually with the cell phone glued to my head, or texting. Sooo, I’m still working on the clearing my mind part.

Be satisfied and content even though I am single woman nowMmmmm…..

Move on and let the pass stay where it belongs
This is the only goal I truly say I’ve done to completion.

Write the next Great American Novel (or at least a decent collection of poetry)
Not even close….

Develop a closer and more trusting relationship with God
This was going good for a while. But for me being close to God is like being on medicine. After I’ve done it for a while, I feel good…so GREAT I think I can do it on my on. So, I let it for a while and before you know it I’m withdrawing. So…that’s where I am now. Trying to get back on track and all I can say is I THANK HIM EVERYDAY FOR BEING A MERCIFUL AND GRACIOUS GOD.

Realize that all things take time and rushing only messes it up!
Because I am a constant worrier I know this is the one goal that is going to take a whole lot of time and effort…

Bree