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Blind Folded at a Crossroad: Day 2

When I was in middle school and high school Algebra was my most worst enemy. I just didn’t get it and after a certain point, I didn’t want to get. But then, I went away to college, and after much tutoring and brain pounding, a light bulb came on and I said, “Oh, now I see.”

I think I am the same way with life and many of the decisions I make. My mom desperately tries to advise me on life decisions and I just don’t really get what she is trying to say. So, as a result I’ve gone through a lot of trial and error, basically leading to a lot of mistakes- or “learning experiences”, as my mom always corrects me.Then, just a few days ago the light bulb came on and I really think I got it this time.

I’m ready to live my life to the fullest extent, to grab every opportunity afforded to me, to enjoy every reward I’ve worked so hard for up to this point. The only problem is that one major mistake is holding me back.

The ex who is now the current.

To be honest, I do love him and admire him as a person, but he is not the person for me. He thinks I am the person for him which makes what I want so hard to go after. Living with him always drains me of all of my energy because his life is so much more difficult than mine. I’ve tried being that positive force, the bright spot, but all I’ve become is a puddle of resentment. The problem is, in order for me to be there him, I have to put my dreams on hold. I have to sacrifice. I have wait until “we make it together”. Many of the plans I had for the summer were cancelled and much of my time has been spent on the sofa crying about all that I could be doing, about all that I wish I was doing. But when I am without him, life is so sweet and adventurous. Basically, I am happy.

But now, I feel like I’ve settled because I fear growing old alone. And he’s getting the girl of his dreams. I came back because I thought it would be different, but they are the same– the exact same.

I am blind folded at a cross road. I know which direction would be best for me. But I don’t know what’s down that road, and I fear the unknown more than I fear death. I am afraid that he will one day grow into what I wanted, and I will regret not having waited. I am afraid I won’t find another “love of my life” or someone may break my heart worst than the ones I’ve broken. I know I deserve better, but I feel as though he shouldn’t pay for his past, but then again neither should I.

So, this new adventure will be scary, but for the sake of my sanity, I know I will soon be traveling ahead without him.


2 Responses

  1. Hmm. It looks like you are making the right choice. God is the master of your destiny. Allowing anyone else to influence it so much that it puts it on a halt is definitely a wrong choice. Pray about it (how to go about it gently) and definitely “travel ahead” as you have said.

    bon adventure 😉


    • @ O.F.C.J.- Thank you. I am definitely moving ahead now and feeling extra light without all the baggage.

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