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In Due Time 365

About a month ago I dreamed in red. Red means rage.

Then, this past weekend the dream came to past. The images were the same. The colors from my dream painted my real life and before I could stop myself, stop my anger, I became my dream self, and I have to say I am very disappointed. I am utterly ashamed.

Emotionally, I have been in a rut lately and I cannot pinpoint what is exactly wrong with me. This past weekend was a very bad one for me. The ex-boyfriend is now the current and history is repeating itself. We rushed back into things and before we could really discuss what we both wanted and needed from a relationship, we were catapulted back into the same situation we were a year ago. It’s like deja vu, and my heart is screaming “What has happened.”

But, my mind is screaming, “RUUUUUNNNNN!”

Basically. what happened was I was looking for some one on one time to reconnect, and instead we ended up at a small family (his family) gathering (pool party) that I didn’t really want to attend (the reason itself would require a whole ‘nother post). Instead of being a lady and chalking it up, I was visibly upset the entire time I was there. Ridiculous, right? I know…I’m drenched in shame and guilt. This led to a very bad and emtional weekend because once he apologized for taking me, I was so upset with myself that I told him we should just give up, which led to a whole ‘nother fight-resolution cycle that I couldn’t get over because I kept focusing on how this argument would lead to another argument which would lead to him losing all the love and respect and had for me and so forth and so on down this snowballing hill into relationship hell.

Yes, I did get all of that from one disagreement. See how my mind works?

Why can’t I just go with the flow and let the relationship flow naturally? Why must I take things – life- so seriously?

Much of it, I know have to do with where the bf and I are in life right now and I let those feelings of uncertainty and regret spill over into other parts of our/ my life. In other words, my emotions and feelings were misguided and overly expressed.

That event led me to the blogosphere where I learned a lesson or two from the blog world and I realized that my true problem is I lack patience, and I lack the true grace I pretend to have. Then I came to my own blog and read the title, really read the title: In Due Time. The solution was right there, IN MY OWN WORDS, but not in my own actions. It seems that sometimes I get so caught up in and disappointed in what I see NOW- in myself and others- that I don’t pay attention to the lesson that I should be learning from my mistakes, my misguided and overly expressed anger. Then before I know it, I’m doing it again. I’m blowing up over some minute detail, freaking out over a mistake it was OK to make or becoming overly anxious over a decision I made that I perceive to be preventing me from doing something I think I need to do RIGHT THIS SECOND AND NO IT CANNOT WAIT. My being like this takes the enjoyment from life sometime. In due time all things that God has planned for me will come to past and will be enjoyed by me and those I love a whole lot better than if I try to go out and make those things happen all on my own, all right now.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

For the next 365 days I will post at least one blog a day to document my journey to being a better person, my journey to reaching the goals I have set for myself. This will be a journey of self-discovery, of finding, keeping and/or losing love, of practicing patience and grace.

Sabrina

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2 Responses

  1. good luck with journey. it’s good to document b/c you will always have something to turn back to and reflect 🙂

    • @ simplychic- Thank you. Yeah, I want to be able to look back and see how much I grow so that I can move forward with no regrets. Please come back!

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