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Bae, We Need to Talk

This morning I made the unwise attempt of trying to talk to MY MAN about some things that was on my mind last night.

Now the thing about him is that he don’t like too much heavy conversation, so whenever I try to talk about US he just joke and play and then say, “Bae, don’t worry about it.” I have already picked up on the fact that it is probably a defense mechanism he’s developed through everything else that he has gone through in his life, but I have done nothing but support him so I will never be able to understand why he does that to me. And most importantly, relationships are based heavily on communication and understanding, and from my little experience I have learned that without the two there isn’t much.

Well, the situation is that he has been using my car to get to work, which is 45 minutes away. So, he drops me off at school at 6am and doesn’t pick me up until 6pm. It’s not all bad because I get to study and hang with friends, but on days like today it is a sacrifice because I don’t have class until 1pm. And my family doesn’t know he’s using my car, so I can’t go home without it. On this particular morning I wanted to talk about the fact that he always say we are living this life together and how was no longer falling for that for that. At first, he was down and out living with his brother, but I decided to still give him a chance. So, we never really got a first date. I don’t get to experience the surprise of random gifts. Althought in the 6 months we’ve been dating he did buy me roses, once. In the beginning, all we had was each other and our words and his promises. But then when things began to get better, and he moved from his brother’s house to his own apartment, he’s no longer talking about “us” and “our”, but “his”. Before he moved out he asked me to marry him, which was stupid on my part to believe since he was hardly in the position to support himself, let only support me through nursing school. So the next plan was to move into together, and then he claimed to need his space and wanted to live alone for a awile. He wouldn’t even give me a key. All the while he is dropping me off to school and going to work in my car. (I’m guessing that it is needless for me to say that without my car he would not get to work). We had a very short period of just liking and falling in love before I started doing these things for him, and that’s where I fault myself. I started helping him out only after a month and a half of serious dating, and when it was time for school to start he couldn’t do a damn thing for me and I had to go to everyone else for help.

At first, I told him I would never let him use my car. But I made the sacrifice to help him out. Then using the car to go to work turned into using the car whenever he needed it. Then when I take that away from him he gets mad as if he is entitled to a car he didn’t put in on. But then, I don’t have no say so over what goes on with his apartment.

Another thing about the car is that my father just helped me buy it in August. I know, I know I’ll say it myself, “ Stupid, stupid little girl.”
Well, this morning I wanted to tell him that it does not feel like we are living this life together and he need to stop saying that. We should just stick to what it is. He is living his life and getting his stuff together, while I live my life and do the same. The only reason I feel that things moved as fast as they did was because I had a car and he needed one. I don’t think he’s using me, but I do feel that I am a very big convenience for him. Many times he tells me we spend too much time together and I feel slighted because the time we spend together is spent with me doing things for him.
Again, I don’t not think he is using me; I just think it’s a bad situation for the both of us. His mama tried to warn me of some things and I didn’t listen, even stopped talking to her for fear that she would tell me a truth I didn’t want to know.

So I tried to call him this morning after I got out the car to tell him I was not trying to attack him. But tell him how I feel. It was my attempt at communicating without starting an argument. But he shut down, then started to blow up, and then ignored me. He did all of this without even attempting to gain some insight or understanding.

Then when I tried to call him back, he wouldn’t even answer the phone. So here I sit, looking and feeling stupid, while MY MAN drives MY CAR to work. And he can’t even answer his phone(one a help to buy) to offer me a word of reassurance or kindness.

I equated being with an older man to being with a grown man. But…you know…we live…we hurt…we learn

At one time I was so sure that I had found the one to live my life with, but now I just don’t know.


One Response

  1. I don’t usually comment on something so personal when it comes to blog post. But I felt the need ’cause reading this and hearing your words I assume you are madly in love. Which isn’t a bad thing at all. It is what it is. If asking, the first thing I’d advise you to do: take your car keys. It appears he’s getting what he wants but you’re not. A key for a key, I say.

    My two cents.

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