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Who ARE You?!?!?

That is what I asked myself when I looked into the mirror this morning.

For reasons only my heart truly knows, I woke up this morning full of self doubt. As many of you know, I attempted to win the NaNoWriMo contest this month. Well, I was just reminded that it is now week 3 and I only have 20 pages and like a million more to go.

I’ve had exams every week this month. I have another Friday, a final Monday and 3 finals the week after Thanksgiving. Most of my time has been spent studying my ass off, taking my anger out on my bf and trying to find the peace of mind to write in the midst of the madness.

Then yesterday, during one of my many group study sessions (I tutor people at least 2 to 3 times a week since I already have a degree in Biology) one of my classmates asked me if my heart was REALLY in nursing.

I looked up, all dumbfounded like, and wondered where she would get that idea from. Then I looked down at what I was doing while they were frantically studying their little heads off: trying to see if I could finish a crossword puzzle in pen.

Now, let me back up, when I say I study my ass off it’s more like I spend a lot of time tutoring and doing all of the busy work nursing school seems to like to give. Before nursing school I was premed, so much of the material comes easy to me. I didn’t go to med school (to the dismay of my family) because I wasn’t sure if that was what I really wanted from life; it’s just that all my life I’ve been told that it would be such a shame if I wasted my “good brain” on something as abstract as writing. My mother even told me, “Your name will never be written in the stars, so get your head out the clouds and do something that’s gonna make you some money!”

Well, I know making a living is important, but write now I wish more than anything that I had pursued my MFA. The sad part about it (not to be conceited) is that I am really, like really good at this stuff.

Physics, chemistry, physiology, the MCAT…those things come to be naturally. If I had a penny for the number of times I’ve heard, “You should have gone to med school,” I could pay 4 years of medical school tuition up front.

I’m at school early to today, supposed to be reviewing physiology notes before I go off to another tutoring session and instead I am writing this. I thank God often for my talents, but wonder why he didn’t give me the mind and drive to go along with it.

I won’t leave nursing behind though. I know that. I have a passion for my school, for what I know I will be doing, but most days I wish I was at home reading and/or writing a damn good novel, sipping on hot cocoa, with TV on lifetime in the background.

Maybe I’m having an identity crisis. Or maybe I’m just not as mature as I would like to think. I know this post was all over the place, but bear with me.

Don’t mind me. I’m just thinking out loud.


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