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I Ain’t Dead Yet: But I am Killin’ Myself

Picture1WOW!!! It’s been a while, huh?

But I guess that’s what happens when your portions are bigger than your plate. Some things start to fall off. I’m just so disappointed in myself for letting my blog be one of those things. My whole reason for doing this was so I could refocus my creative attention on my dreams and away from the things that was breaking my heart: school , money, men.


Real life always seems to get in the way of my dreams.

This time it was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be different. The temper tantrums, the impatience, the explosive attitudes, all were supposed to be burned and buried over the course of this past summer. Love had found its way into my arms and through it, all evils had been conquered.

But real life came back, and with it, so did the devil, with his manipulative and sly grin, ready to clip my wings and exchange them for the horns I thought I had outgrown.

But as the old negro cliche goes, THE DEVIL IS A LIAR.


School happened. Stress happened. Broke without a real job happened. Then, worst of all, I lost sight of the little things, of the things that take very little time but too much effort. I forgot about my newly laid foundations of love, of life, and most importantly, of peace.

I tried to be superwoman. Tried to be the happiness in someone else’s life, while I had none in my own. This is why I”m dying, whyI wonder what’s keeping my alive.

4:00am wake up

5:30am pick up bf

6:00am at school

4:30pm wait for bf to pick me up b/c he takes MY car to work everyday while I wait at school even if I only have two classes on that day

Wed. and Thur. evenings I work untill 8pm and on Tues. and Thurs. I have to bring MY MAN to school in the evenings.

Sat. I work all day

Sun church and I’m the one who makes plans for us to go somewhere.

And sometime in between all of that, I study…

I am finacially, physically and emotionally responsible for everything that goes on in my life and in my relationship.

Then when I asked for a back rub. OR maybe just a little extra time on a Friday night. OR walk along the river just to de-stress a little bit. OR just anything that would show appreciation and understanding. Then I’m too demanding. I’m just another nagging gf.

But that’s OK becuz sooner or later the nagging will stop and the “song quoting” will begin. Maybe I’ll start with Mary J. She always knew how to tell a man she was tired……


5 Responses

  1. Good to see you back to blogging. I know it gets crazy when real life gets in the way. The key is the try to find balance and set schedules. For example, if you know you have a free hour on Saturday mornings, then you can designate that time to blogging. As far as the bf goes, it is definitely important to voice your desires, but timing and tone are everything. When you bring it up, do not do it when he just got off of work or he’s trying to relax. Do it when you and him are in a good groove, and definitely try to avoid sounding naggy. Another trick is to highlight when he does something you like. “I love it when you xxxx.” When you emphasize that, he will feel more motivated to do it more and he won’t feel like you’re coming at him with everything he is NOT doing.

    • You know that is so right, and I wish I had blogged about this a few weeks ago when it first started. We’ve been getting to know each other since Nov. and made it official in June, so it is still relatively new. The arguments started when things got hard, and in some ways I am mad at myself for being so weak. Just yesterday I did exactly what you said. I talked to him about it while we were having a good time together and I got a much better response. Also, I wrote him a letter to let him know all that he has done to make me feel good. SO….

      Thanx for the advice, hopefully I can give you some one day…j/k 🙂

  2. Hi! I found you on 20sb, I’m a nursing student too (though almost done, thank GOD!) and I totally know about the ridiculous time crunch and the struggle to keep a relationship healthy when you are so stressed out. It’s hard, but obviously worth it if it’s the right guy! looking forward to reading more here, and would love to see you over in my corner too, if you want!

    • Thanks for taking the time to visit!! Hope you liked what you so…writing is such a big stress reliever, which is way I’ve been blogging so much more lately!!!

      And it’s always good to hear from another nursing student nobody but another nursing student can truly understand what I’m going through right now…and GOOD LUCK!!!!!

  3. I totally feel you on this entry. I also worked my way through university and I remember how hard it was to balance school, work, social life, love life…it can leave you feeling burnt out at times. What I found helped was making sure I made some time each week to do something nice for myself–whether it was having a nice bubble bath, working out, going for a walk, treating myself to dessert or even painting my toes while watching a cheesy movie—it really helped keep things balanced.
    Good luck with everything. I will definitely be back to read again!

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