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Now I Get a Life

Ok, so I’ve done it again…

Last night I didn’t even try to do a last minute post. I was so exhausted I thought I was going to go into sacoma once my body hit the bed. But, I can say that while sitting at work waiting for my relief to come I did write some words in my journal to later type of here….

Since I can already feel that I was be way to tired to even open my laptop let alone think and type up a post when I get home tonight, I will just write what I feel now and post it later. First, let me explain myself. Prior to Day 1 of my 365 day journey into the blogosphere, I had absolutely no life (and that’s not to say that I have much more of one now). During those days, all I saw was home, work and the highway in between. MY life I become very slow and predictable, so I decided to build my patience and work on my writing skills. But, before I can even reach a month my life has become busy and my schedule BOOKED. This is my list of activities for the rest of this month:

-I’ve been hitting the gym and Starbucks everyday this week with my best friend
-Out for drinks tonight
-The beach this weekend
– Club Masquerade next Thursday
– Destin, Florida on the 18th, 19th and 20th
-A resort in Alabama with a friend on 22nd, 23rd and 24th
-Every Wed. afternoon for the rest of the month has been dedicated to lunch with my best friend.
-And, all the days I’m not playing I’ll be working

***I know this post is rushed, but I have no clean scrubs for work, so off I must go.


2 Careers, No Hobby

***FYI: I actually clicked publish at 11:59pm, but I just noticed it still should up as being posted for Wednesday (today) instead of yesterday (Tuesday). This’ll teach me to get off at eleven and race home to finish a post that should have been finished this morning.

I just finished reading my second ever Cosmo magazine, and there was a very inspiring article in there about following ALL of your dreams, not one.

In many cases ordinary people like myself tend to shy away from reaching for the stars because they cannot afford the climb. So, we find something we are equally good at but less passionate about, something that will pay the bills and support the 2.5 kids we may wish to one day have. We think far into the future about adult-like purchases and retirement, and we convince ourselves that we made the right decision by getting a regular 9 to 5 because without it how else would we be able to financially secure our future?

Well, now that I have somewhat of a regular 8 hour/ five day a week job (which is actually 3pm to 11pm and is actually just summer employment), I wish I would have followed me first dream: to major in English and find employment at a newspaper or magazine until I was able to write full time. For awhile I was somewhat regretful for this decision. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love nursing school and all of the experiences that come along with that, but I feel like I am still trying to find my comfort zone in that field. I know I will continue my education until I am either an educator or practitioner, but sometimes I feel so uninspired in that area. I love caring for people, but I feel my creativity is drained by all the nursing/ scientific theory. Or maybe I just haven’t found all to incorporate the right side of my brain to the left.

Well, anyway, a few days ago, I came across an article in Cosmo magazine in which the editor-in-chief talked about pursuing to careers at once: editing a magazine and writing fiction. She says many people has asked her, “Why and how could she do that?,” and she said her reply was, “Why not?”.

Well, this got me to thinking that maybe there is hope for my writing career after all. I know pursuing a double career in two unrelated fields may be a stretch, especially right now while I still have a lot to learn about both the field of nursing and the craft of writing. But, with just a little extra self-disciple (and a little less of a life), I say, “Why not?”

Starbucks on a Rainy Day

A few days is enough time to move on.

I mean, I will still think about it of course, but I can no longer write about it because after a while my blog will become a mess of self-pity. I know reflection is OK, but what is not OK is to dwell.

This is what I told myself last night. This morning I woke up like a brand new person. Well, no, I really just woke up like myself without ALL the BAGGAGE. I had to realize that at 24 I still do have my whole life ahead of me. I still DO have all the opportunities I had before I got myself into the mess I was just in for the last 3 years. I’m not the first woman to make a mistake, but I don’t want to be one of the many who can’t move past what I’ve lost. In other words, I’m moving on and rebuilding–my savings account, my career, my esteem and my life.

Having made that up in my mind before my eyes were completely open, I went on to have a good day. I rediscovered all the simple joys of life, all the things that feed my the spirit like:

-talking to my mom in the wee hours of morning as she get ready for work,

-hitting the gym with my best friend and pretending to get a GOOD work out in even though 30 of the *required* 60 minutes was spent talking and gossiping and stifling laughter

-watching cable television and youtubing while tuning out my brother

-eating real food, not Ramen noodles

-having a peace of mind because I know between the three of us (my brother, my mom and me) the rent will get paid on 1st, the light bill on the 7th and groceries will be bought every week

-and enjoying a nice rainy afternoon in Starbucks doing the one thing in the world that brings me absolute peace….

She Worries About Me

Yesterday my mom told me that she worries about me more than she worries about any of my siblings.

She told me its because I’ve always chased dreams and ideas more than real life goals. I used to call myself a “practical idealist”, but I guess I’m not so practical after all. I guess much of my heartbreak can be blamed on myself for always seeing “what could/ might be” instead of what is. I know that if I put as much thought and work into what I truly want as I put into things that are just not meant to be, I would be many to-do lists ahead.

But I guess that’s all apart of learning and finding oneself. I just hope that I don’t get lost again because I love the person I could be (or am). I love when I’m happy and satisfied. I love when I write and read for the fun of it, for the love of it, and not just to escape a miserable reality. I know this to be true, yet and still I look back, too afraid of the future to move on.

But What If?

…but what if?

The phrase that always keep me going back.

Two-thirds of my belongings are out of his apartment, and tomorrow I go get the rest. As I explained to him my reasons for leaving he played the game. When I asked for a response he said, “You said what you wanted to say.”

“…but what if?” kept me there trying to engage him in conversation, no matter how unsuccessful I was.

“…but what if?” kept giving me reason to go back inside and see why he didn’t come after me.

“…but what if?” caused my eyes to sting and water at their own will.

“…but what if?” is the reason for this short post because all I can think about right now is, what if I made the wrong decision?

I Hope It’s Really Over This Time

This morning at 4 am I began the conversation that should eventually lead to a breakup.

Breakups are always hard for me because I always leave the relationship thinking, “What if?”

But, it’s been almost three years of “what if’ing”, and I just cannot afford to go any further. If I lose anymore of myself to him I’m afraid I will cease to exist. Mentally, at this moment, I am preparing myself for the second half of the conversation tonight which will be followed with the packing of my bags and exiting is apartment and life, hopefully for good this time.

I don’t know what it is about this man. This man who brings nothing into the relationship but baggage, that keeps me coming back. He is a true addiction. Like crack and alcohol. I lose everything when I’m with him. Friends. Family. Money. Opportunity. And most of all, self-respect.

But this time it’s over.

I hope.

Blind Folded at a Crossroad: Day 2

When I was in middle school and high school Algebra was my most worst enemy. I just didn’t get it and after a certain point, I didn’t want to get. But then, I went away to college, and after much tutoring and brain pounding, a light bulb came on and I said, “Oh, now I see.”

I think I am the same way with life and many of the decisions I make. My mom desperately tries to advise me on life decisions and I just don’t really get what she is trying to say. So, as a result I’ve gone through a lot of trial and error, basically leading to a lot of mistakes- or “learning experiences”, as my mom always corrects me.Then, just a few days ago the light bulb came on and I really think I got it this time.

I’m ready to live my life to the fullest extent, to grab every opportunity afforded to me, to enjoy every reward I’ve worked so hard for up to this point. The only problem is that one major mistake is holding me back.

The ex who is now the current.

To be honest, I do love him and admire him as a person, but he is not the person for me. He thinks I am the person for him which makes what I want so hard to go after. Living with him always drains me of all of my energy because his life is so much more difficult than mine. I’ve tried being that positive force, the bright spot, but all I’ve become is a puddle of resentment. The problem is, in order for me to be there him, I have to put my dreams on hold. I have to sacrifice. I have wait until “we make it together”. Many of the plans I had for the summer were cancelled and much of my time has been spent on the sofa crying about all that I could be doing, about all that I wish I was doing. But when I am without him, life is so sweet and adventurous. Basically, I am happy.

But now, I feel like I’ve settled because I fear growing old alone. And he’s getting the girl of his dreams. I came back because I thought it would be different, but they are the same– the exact same.

I am blind folded at a cross road. I know which direction would be best for me. But I don’t know what’s down that road, and I fear the unknown more than I fear death. I am afraid that he will one day grow into what I wanted, and I will regret not having waited. I am afraid I won’t find another “love of my life” or someone may break my heart worst than the ones I’ve broken. I know I deserve better, but I feel as though he shouldn’t pay for his past, but then again neither should I.

So, this new adventure will be scary, but for the sake of my sanity, I know I will soon be traveling ahead without him.